Exchange writings with a partner.Give each other positive id

I have already read your essay and I think you can work on the following parts to improve your essay.First,your essay has to be more cohesive.You need to use words such as,first of all,secondly,and so on to connect your paragraphs because it looks like the entire passage is inorganized.Moreover,you need to expand your essay better than what you have written.For example,you need to show the readers concrete examples on the points that you have made.Overall,your essay is decent.