求大牛雅思小作文批改!TEXT 1 的小作文,帮忙改下错,平下分.

The graph describes the portion of the population above aged 65 between 1940 and 2040 in the three countries---USA,Sweden and Japan.As shown in the graph,it is expected to have increments in the rate of old people .
In 1940,the proportion of population above age 65 remained extremely low,as the figure of these countries stood at 9%(in USA),8%(in Sweden) and only 5%(in Japan).However by the end of the 1980 ,the number of old people in USA and Sweden had dramatically grown ,arriving at 15% and 14% respectively; by contrast,it had indicated a slight decrease in Japan ,then reminded approximate 3% in the corresponding period .Subsequently,fluctuation showed ,but had been predicted that the rate of the elder was going to descend around 10% in both USA and sweden.
After 1980,the number of Japanese old people had been consistently toward an upward trend .The portion of population above age 65 in Japan will overtake it of Sweden and USA in(around?) 2030.Clearly,the circumstances of USA,Sweden and Japen will reach the similar point.
再问： 呵呵，谢谢您啊，我还想问一下最后一句，这3个国家都是在2040年达到相似的，那么最后一句直接像您这么写好，还是要加上2030~2040的趋势好啊？还有最后达到的具体数字需要写么？？？ 您估计写成这样有多少分呀？
再答： 如果考試有類似的圖表你最後也可以在結尾部分加一下2030-2040這三個國家的數字比例的敘述 因為你前面有提到比例但後面沒提 5.5應該不是問題 看得出來你有背不少片語但要避免語法缺失讓本來5.5以上的文章往下扣 一般小作文清楚表達題意就有5 愈少語法錯誤就會有6 大作文則多需要套用模組比較不會浪費時間在思索文章結構上