托福作文求批改 菜鸟~高中英语90分几乎无语法根底

托福作文求批改 菜鸟~高中英语90分几乎无语法根底
The city,Shenzhen,where I’ m living here,by no doubt is both international and vivid in economy,policy,and education.A comparative feature when you put other cities in china into account.I love my hometown of course.However,and not surprisingly,you can find out various problems that needed to be ameliorated under the glittering facades of Shenzhen.If you ask me to make a choice to change my city on merely one thing,it would be not thorny to pick up the answer--- democracy.
It all a little bit provocative to preach the idea of democracy here in china.Shenzhen,however,as a city where enjoy,to a great extent,a relative freedom in china,should always serve as a precursor to the others.And the benefit of having democracy in an area is beyond illustrating.I can adduce several advantages here.
Firstly,it would help the development of a city.A threshold notion might spontaneously occur to you and me,is that democracy and development are inevitably interconnected in every subtle corners.Democracy is definitely a fundamental element of prosperity,in that it provides a building block from which brilliant education,prosperous economy,and other rudimental factors of a society are produced.To crystallizing this point clearly,we could take close scrutiny on the situation of HongKong where enjoy a high level of democracy.There three universities in Hongkong are rank into top 50 all over the globe,while we don’t even have a single university to match them in mainland.For economy,Hongkong also play an extremely significant role of central economy of Asia since 20 century.The evidence can never be difficult to find,even when we told about the health care system,Hongkong is at least 20 years ahead of us here in Shenzhen.
Secondly,it is a change that is waiting to happen.The primary assurance of prosperity is base on democracy.It would be easily over state the prospect of an area under authoritarianism.Although china is not longer at that disappointed state,a hard effort must be taken in the coming several years.The history has demonstrated in numerous times that a country must be changed amidst of gathering clouds raging storms,For china,it would be ether become a North Korea in cholesterol,and than go on the woeful path of declination,or become a rising super power all over the globe.
Thirdly,it would be significant to all young people in our country,the freedom of speech,faith,pursue of art and study are all strongly connected to our daily life and exerted a ineluctable impact on who we will eventually be.The limitation of transparency in university in china have become the major obstacle of improve the quality of education.Fund on education and research are always miserlessly gone to the murky side because of prevalent corruption here,and democracy will put those in high office in the surveilance camera,thus avoid the corruption to a large degree.
To sum up,Democracy would be that very pedestal needed to be bring to our hometown,and even to the whole country.I don’t have this kind of power now,but I do believe it would come true some day in my life,and that day would mark the genuine initiation of china as a truly substantial superpower.
百度限制字数了 所以只能补充的方式来最后一段了
hatagem@QQ.com 用WORD+邮件把修改稿发给我 我作文最不缺的亮点就是语法错误~