雅思作文批改,这样的小作文能得几分?我第一次写

问题描述:

雅思作文批改,这样的小作文能得几分?我第一次写
剑5,test1 writing task 1
The line graph shows that how many people who are at their 65 in Japan,Sweden and USA from 1940 to 2040.It is clear that in three countries,the size of the elder aged 65 will reach his peak in 2040.
According to the table,the proportion of people who are 65 year-old has a slightly decrease in USA since 1940 to 1960,while other two countries both have a gentle increase.The number of the old has no change in America between 1960 and 1980,on the contrary,in Japan an in Sweden,there happened a slowly rise in each country.The American elder are countinually become more and more since 21 century and they will be the most in 2040 among 3 countries.
However,the proportion of the population aged 65 in Sweden finally surpass that of Japan from approximately 1998 until now and will be continued to 2040 by fluctuating in his own pattern.The size of the population in Japan leveled off and is smaller than that of Sweden,but it will still climb in the future.
Overall,the number of the American aged is the least one at the beginning of 1940 and will be the most one in 2040.
1个回答 分类:综合 2014-10-28

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The line graph shows that how many people (前边改成The line graph shows the numbers of people) who are at their (their去掉) 65 in Japan,Sweden and USA from 1940 to 2040.It is clear that in three countries,the size of the elder aged 65 will reach his (his改为its) peak in 2040.
According to the table,the proportion of people who are 65 year-old (people who are 65 years old才对,而且建议改成65-year-old people,无须用定从时别用) has (变成had) a (a去掉) slightly decrease(加d) in USA since (改为from) 1940 to 1960,while (加the) other two countries both have a gentle increase.The number of the old has no change (has no change为中式表达,改为stayed the same) in America between 1960 and 1980,on the contrary,in Japan and in Sweden,there happened a slowly rise in each country (句式不对,改为:a slow rise came about).The American elder are countinually become more and more (不是人变多,而是人数变多,还有时态,改为:The number of the American elder has contiually become larger and larger) since 21 century and they will be the most (it will be the largest) in 2040 among 3 countries.
However,the proportion of the population aged 65 in Sweden finally surpass (加ed) that of Japan from approximately 1998 until now and will be continued to 2040 by fluctuating in his own pattern.The size of the population in Japan leveled off and is smaller than that of Sweden,but it will still climb in the future.(这段挺不错)
Overall,the number of the American aged is(改为was) the least (改为smallest) one at the beginning of 1940 and will be the most (largest) one in 2040.
说人数不要用people作主语,而用the number of people.另外注意时态问题.图表题最重要的是清楚.文章表达得还算清楚,但小问题较多,希改正
 
 
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