雅思作文批改 剑2 test1 小作文 (高分求修改)
The graph gives information about theconsumer durables owned in the UK over the period from 1972 to 1983.
As can be seen from the table, the greatest
increase was found in telephone ownership, rising from 42% in 1972 to 77% in
1983. Next came central heating ownership, which rose considerably by 27%, form
37% in 1972 to 64% in 1983. The percentage of households with a refrigerator
grew 21% during the same period and of those with a washing machine by 14%. In
addition, households with vacuum-cleaners, televisions and dishwashers
increased by 8%, 5% and 2% respectively.
In the year of 1983 their introduction,
television ownership stayed in top position in terms of households with, which
is about 20 times larger than telephone ownership. It is also interesting to
notice that 18% of households had a video recorder in 1983.
In conclusion, there were striking
differences in percentage of households with in the 11 years spanning from 1972
through 1983.
The (graph 是曲线图,应该是表table才对) gives information about the consumer durables owned in the UK over the period from 1972 to 1983.
As can be seen from the table,the greatest increase (可以考虑加上during this period)was found in telephone ownership,rising from 42% in 1972 to 77% in1983.Next came central heating ownership,which rose considerably by 27%,form37% in 1972 to 64% in 1983.The percentage of households with a refrigerator grew 21% during the same period and of those with a washing machine by 14%.In addition,households with vacuum-cleaners,televisions and dishwashers increased by 8%,5% and 2% respectively.In the year of 1983 their introduction,television ownership stayed in top position in terms of households with,which is about 20 times larger than (telephone错了,应该是 dishwasher 才对哦!) ownership.It is also interesting to notice that 18% of households had a video recorder in 1983.(Of course the reason was because they were the new invention of that time!这句是的替你加上的,你不须一定要接受.)
(Another new invention was the dishwasher,their figures only started to show from the year 1978,also because they are kind of luxury,too expensive and no really a nessesity.Therefore they showed a very slow increase from 3% to only 5% in five years 这是的替你补充的,同样是,你可以加或不加上去都任随你.)
In conclusion,there were striking differences in percentage of households with in(within 是一个字) the 11 years spanning from 1972 through 1983.
原文写得甚好,只有一个明显的错处(把 telephone 当作 dishwasher).
另外,我替你加长了一些以供参考,你可以接受或不接受都由你.
如有不明可以继续追问,
