这是一版搞笑版的《孔雀东南飞》,你可以节选一场.
焦仲卿Johnny (J for short) 刘兰芝Lunch(L for short)
焦母Johnny’s mother (JM for short) 刘母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)
太守之子Mayor’s son (MS for short) 强盗Burglars(A,B&C)
J:Everybody says that I'm henpecked,but in fact,I'm as strong as a tiger,while my wife is Wu Song.
I'm not afraid of you!
My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me,smarter than me and stronger than me.All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!
My God!Who can help me?
Act1
旁白：就在我们可爱的仲卿遭受家庭暴力时,JM已将这一切尽收耳底.
JM:I can!
Lunch!Lunch!Where are you?
L:I’m here!What’s up mum?
JM:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me "my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.
L:OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law,what’s up?
JM:Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude,so brusque,so lazy……
L:But……
JM:Never interrupt me!
L:Never interrupt me!Since I married your son,that terrible Johnny,I have been working hard all
day long,cooking and washing.I have raised ten soft thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……
JM:But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!Grandson!Where’s my grandson?
L:Oh,you want a grandson,don’t you?Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!
Act2
旁白：被婆婆赶出家门的兰芝一步一回头,三步两回头,无奈的回到了自己的家中.此时,LM正在家中跳舞,有请!
L:Mum,I’m back!
LM:You are back?Why?What happened?
L:I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.
LM:See!I have already told you!When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny,I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor ,but you did not listen to me.Look at yourself……
L:But,mum……
LM:Never interrupt me!
L:Mum,I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK?And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.
LM:Nice girl!Just now,I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:” If your daughter.Haven’t been married,I really want to marry her!“Now you are free again,I’ll go and tell him.(下)
L:What?The mayor’s son?The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood?What a silly thing I have done!(下)
Act3
旁白：没有了兰芝的焦家很快陷入了窘境,JM只好让仲卿将兰芝找回.听说去兰芝家的路上常有强盗出没.
A:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!
The road is built by me!
B:And I planted one tree!
C:If you want to go by this street---
AB&C:Give us all your money!
旁白：据可靠史料记载,当时,这把刀离他的喉咙只有0.01公分!
J:Don’t kill me!Don’t kill me!I’ll give all my money to you!Is 1 mao enough?
A:What bad luck!
B:If we can not rob any money today,we will have nothing to eat tonight!
C:I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lan zhi next month.We can go and rob the wedding!
A&B:Good idea!
J:What?What?Lunch is going to get married?It’s impossible!
AB&C:Why?A pretty girl and a rich man,what a good couple!
J:But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got divorced yet!I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding,don’t you?I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.
B:Have you got any experience?
J:No.But I’ve got this!
Act4
旁白：转眼已到了婚礼之期．太守之子意气风发的牵着新娘,兰芝盖着红盖头极不情愿跟在后边.
ABC&J:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!
A:The road is built by me!
B:And I planted one tree.
C:If you want to go by this street---
ABC＆J:Give us all your money!
L:Johnny!I miss you so much!
MS:Who are you and where are you from?Who rob my bride will be killed!
J:How dare you beat my wife!I will kill you!
J:Honey,how are you?
L:I hurt a lot!
J:Don’t cry baby.Eat this at once!I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)
L:Wait for me!
